Children are Whirlwinds…Planning Out Your Child’s Chores & Routines
{~14½ min Read}
If children are children, why should we add weight to their day?
Everything seems to be going along perfectly fine,
Why add stress and bother when I can just pick up their toys?
Why make a problem? it’s fine!
Rule are boring and dumb!
…There are loads of reasons to not even bother with a routine for our children.
It can cause arguments, it could put an issue in the way of the relationship, it could just annoy you when they don’t even try to get their new routine completed…
But what a routine will do is teach your child:
Responsibility.
Self Care.
While showing you where they are at mentally…
Here’s the why, and some ways to begin the new routine journey:
RESPONSIBILITY
SELF CARE
GAUGE WHERE THEY ARE AT
SEE GAPS
DISCIPLINE
MAKE IT EASIER
AUTONOMY
We are creating Humans.
RESPONSIBILITY
Having clear expectations put on to us sounds horrible, but it is actually a good thing!
At work we have all kinds of responsibilities thrown our way (many of which seem to not be our actual job… and therefore responsibility), and we learn to rise to the occasion or challenge the decision.
We get to practice taking responsibility for ourselves.
As our children move through high school the same thing is going to happen.
Their teachers, friends, class mates, coaches, everyone is going to have expectations, which in turn puts some form of responsibility on to our child.
By bringing in a simple morning routine, our little ones can practice for when they are a full grown human.
Right now they are simply a little human, like a human in training, and we are responsible for creating opportunities to guide, to make a safe space for mistakes to be made, and boundaries to be extended, as our child grows and becomes completely independent.
Expecting a bed made, tidy room, breakfast eaten, teeth brushed, uniform on and bag packed before school isn’t too much for any age with some planning and help from us.
If We bring in some motivation… like a trip to a theme park at the end of the month… and tie it to the expectation (in this case hitting say 90% of the morning routine for 1 month) the child can take the responsibility seriously.
Couple this with carefully watching how our child reacts we can grow a healthy competent adult 🙂
SELF CARE
By taking responsibility of the environment around them our children can begin to do more to express themselves and care for themselves.
It can be hard to express when we are in trouble. I believe this is because we don’t practice it enough. We either feel stupid asking, or like a pain, maybe we even know what we need to do but just can’t make it happen. Whatever the reason it seems that as a society we aren’t very good at it.
Working with our children to have the best routine and expectations, we need to be careful to ACTUALLY listen to what they are telling us. Verbal and non-verbal.
From the beginning we need to be having open conversations about how the routine is effecting our child.
And We need to make a safe place for their complaints.
By allowing our child to vent and grumble about the routine we are teaching them healthy ways to stand up for themselves.
Just think about how many times that skill would have come in handy in your past!
The bully at school, the office jerk, bad friends, pushy sales people. Knowing how to politely complain and to express our dissatisfaction, in essence, is self care.
It’s about knowing our limits, being in tune with ourselves and expressing that in healthy ways (as opposed to hurting ourselves and avoiding the issues… which is easy. Easy now…Harder Later)
GAUGE WHERE THEY ARE AT
However… our child is a child, their brain is not connected completely yet. They will have emotions and feel things that they cannot understand, because the part of the brain that is for reasoning is not connect (AT ALL) to the part of the brain where the emotions are coming from. The level of emotion (extreme anger for example) is literally uncontrollable for our poor little human.
And. . . they literally cannot understand this.
That makes it our job to watch how the routine is affecting our children.
If we start to see the stress, and they have not complained about that to us, then we need to be the adult and bring it up with them (giving them the chance to express themselves).
We go to the child, say that we have noticed that they are having some trouble with the routine, and ASK THEM TO EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON in a positive and helpful way.
We need to be aware to give the child space and time to process and express.
They are not going to be able to put words to a lot of the feelings, and that must be frustrating and scary to a lot of people.
Patience.
Warmth.
Empathy.
TIME.
No Judgement.
No Anger.
Keeping up a Poker Face and trying to put ourselves in their position will help us keep calm and Teach our child that it is SAFE to come and complain about ANY. THING.
We recommend allowing children to speak about absolutely anything, and if it isn’t age appropriate to still allow them to say what they need to. We are aiming to let ANY conversation happen, again, to show that it is safe to express themselves.
By doing this we are also showing our child that they are important, and that the real them… the inner self and thoughts are accepted by us unconditionally. We are showing that when consequences have to be implemented that they do not equate to our child being invalid unless they are performing correctly. We are speaking directly to the inner child, the true self, and with empathy we are able to learn things about our child that they cannot express.
SEE GAPS
Consistency. That is the entire Parenting Game.
If We have Consistency we have everything we need.
Implementing structure (routine) into the home, we are able to learn more and more about our child. As they go through the week We can notice patterns and interest little behaviours.
Maybe on Monday the routine is perfect.
Tuesday the bag wasn’t packed properly and lunch was left in the fridge
Wednesday none of the routine is done
Thursday our child is relaxing on the couch, not dressed, texting when they should be leaving for school in 10 minutes.
DISCIPLINE
When this happens every couple of weeks, but we have been taking note of what is happening, it starts to look like when the Routine is messed up Our Child just gives up.
Now we can DISCIPLINE them. Discipline ~ Teaching the skills that are lacking in a gentle and non judgemental way.
For the LONGEST time I thought of punishment as DISCIPLINE.
The dictionary says:
“noun
training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.
an activity, exercise, or regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: Sticking to specific and regular mealtimes is excellent discipline for many dieters.
a branch of instruction or learning: the disciplines of history and economics.
punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.”
“Discipline ~
Teaching the skills that your child are lacking in a gentle and non judgemental way.”
We are not just dolling out punishments for lack of an action we want…
We don’t want slaves…We don’t want robots… We don’t need a butler…
I think it’s safe to say all any parent really wants is to raise a well rounded competent human, who will keep themselves and others safe while improving the community around them.
That is a noble goal, and something to be proud of.
By taking the extra time each opportunity that is presented to us, we can do that!
Adding skills, filling emotional gaps, explaining big ideas, making space for our youngsters to express themselves, providing opportunities to grow and try new things… That is technically discipline.
Discipline is teaching Our Children how to operate,
with ease and success,
in a tricky and complicated world…
… not simply handing out punishments like halloween candy.
At times there will be consequences. Natural, Earned and Unintended Consequences:
A Natural consequence is not going out with Your friends because You didn’t get dressed in time and missed the train.
An Earned consequence is lying about Who You are meeting and not being allowed to go.
An Unintended consequence is not going out because You had Your phone locked for abusing somebody through text and not being able to contact Us because the phone is blocked.
That sucks.
Our job is to EXPLAIN AND TALK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES.
By setting up our home rules like a company, No one is responsible but the person who has done the wrong thing. We can blame our own system!
In the example before, we can honestly and openly say that it isn’t even fair that a plan with friends was cancelled because of being rude and misusing technology. We don’t want that for our child, but the earlier consequences (both natural and earned) forced an unintended consequence resulting in not going out.
If We have sat down and openly discussed the expectations and consequences there is no confusion and no excuses. It makes things easier.
Better yet, scrap any rules You have now and sit down with everyone in the family and create all the Rules again from scratch.
Everyone is involved then. Ensure everyone gets to say EVERYTHING they want to say. And leave it open to be readdressed at anytime in the same way.
Then when that tough times come and the consequences are flying off the shelf, you are just the shop keeper in a store you all built together. The rules are just the rules and you can complain about them yourself!
No stress 😉
I have found in large groups, and just at home, that having expectations and clear consequences that the children know and almost laugh when they get the consequence.
It is expected.
It is consistent.
It can be relied on.
That’s Security.
MAKE IT EASIER
Having true security, is having nothing to worry about. Everything is planned, taken care of and sorted. If something goes down there is usually a backup plan. Secure.
Our routines, and the routines we create with our children, keep our lives safe in a similar way. Like many tech giants, putting on the same outfit each day saves time and mental energy. Routines allow our children to put some of their day on autopilot, and to learn discipline and self motivation subconsciously!
Having that solid, daily routine, filled with all of the important and non-negotiable things to do, leave more room to wonder, to think, to explore who we are. It forces us to do things that we don’t want to do sometimes, and to do them well, while also teaching us to accept doing things we don’t like when we understand why we are doing them. Practice like this creates strong, independent, unstoppable humans, it makes our child’s lives easier in the long run!
As long as we are keeping up our end of the bargain, and giving our time and attention to our children, routines make their lives easier as well. Knowing what is happening, being involved in conversations, getting quality affection from us keep our children level, grounded and well adjusted. If the routine ever becomes a weight on our child’s shoulders we need to go back and reevaluate. We need to talk with others, research and talk with our children to ensure we are not being unfair and damaging. A little struggle is good, but for too long we are doing damage.
AUTONOMY
The only way to do larger damage than this is to rob our children of their autonomy and independence. Worse yet, this can be done in the subtlest of ways…
Helping too much with projects
Booking appointments as they get older
Too many assumptions
Talking for them
Leaving boundaries too tight for too long
Taking over when they are doing things…
Let them be, let them learn… Let them live!
Creating a routine is training for these coming stages. We are teaching our children to be independent, and we are preparing ourselves a little bit for when they eventually move on and craft their own lives. Letting go in little stages can help us practice, to begin feeling the pain and space left with simply living life. It’s kind of mellow, but it’s a reality . . .
We are creating Humans.
… and that’s reality, ups
and downs,
in and out,
spinning around.
Dealing with tumultuous times is just being human, the condition our children are afflicted with. Giving everything we can, with the time we have, and what we can learn to teach, is how we create this human. So we need to be creating the human inside of us as well, using our time parenting to heal our inner wounds from our childhoods.
To reflect on our upbringings,
the patterns and habits we have adopted.
To break the cycles.
To do better in our own families and lives,
to see our children be even more successful.
To pass on a light legacy to carry on.
To equip and prepare our children for anything they want to do in life.
Reading, expanding our minds, cutting out some of the distractions, finding healthier ways to relax, exercising (whatever the excuse… there is ALWAYS a way, there is ALWAYS something to do! Comment below if you have a difficult situation and we will help with some suggestions). Betting ourselves, and sharing that journey, the pain and the triumph, with our children will equip them to help themselves as they grow. Even just teaching our 14 year old to google ANYTHING that she is questioning and wondering about has empowered and freed her. Watching her learn to sort things out for herself now, while we are here to help and guide her, takes off an incredible weight, and moves those boundaries out for her. As she learns, she will come up and discuss what she has been looking at. This is invaluable, and helps us to see what kind of human we are raising.
So. Get at it!
Get around your children,
Find the things that need attention,
Create that routine,
Support them through it,
And sit back relaxing with all of the time it frees,
all of the arguments it avoids,
and all of the feelings that turn positive.
