{10¾min read}
USING THE LOVE LANGUAGES IN PARENTING
The 5 Love Languages was published by Gary Chapman in the early 90s. The basic idea is fairly simple.
Each of us has preferences in the ways we show and feel love, and these languages effect how we interact in ALL of our relationships.
Work
School
Home
Lifestyle
Parenting
Every part of our lives can be improved by learning more about our ‘love languages.’
But what exactly are the five love languages?
* Quality Time
* Words of Affirmation
* Gifts
* Acts of Service
* Affection (physical touch)
(explanations after the jump ↑)
– Time, Affirmation, Service, Gifts, Affection.
Time, Affirmation, Service, Gifts, Affection.
Turning the love languages into a tactic for connection, we can focus in on one at a time and build a closer and deeper connection, while also learning a LOT about how the other person (or our child) communicates.
By starting with Time we are making space and opportunity for our children to open up to us. Spending time together can be difficult at first. Possibly hurt feelings, pieces of rejection… even a bad reaction to some food or being hangry can throw off the cutest little angel after 3pm!
This is time we are GIVING to our children. It must be THEIR time.
We need to let go of ego and our own desires, remaining purely present, just being with our little ones. Watching, Playing, Joining in, Being silly… Being free… Being US.
That energy and safety will cause your child to open up and tell you things that have scared them to bring up in the past.
From there we can hone in to some of the things that mean a lot to them.
Noticing where they are working hard and complimenting it, remind them day after day of the wins they are having. (This is words of Affirmation!)
By just being warm and nice to our little ones it’s amazing the aspects of their personality they will begin to show you!
As we grow and learn with our little ones, We can finally begin to serve them!
If this was at an earlier stage it could easily back fire. By coming in hot and cleaning up someone’s room with no context, pre-warning or discussion we could quickly turn an innocent act into a declaration of war. Just think about it… if someone came in and cleaned your room, moving around things you needed… how would you react?
By first SPENDING our Time, then Affirming their life choices and good behaviour, we can now Serve them in ways that they want to be served. We have data, these aren’t just blind guesses anymore.
Still, be prepared to mess this up… it’s complicated, with a lot of moving parts.
Serving people is all well and good, but sometimes they will need some extra help.
With an idea of how to best Serve someone we can finally begin giving gifts that have meaning and make an impact.
Giving Gifts with context, with story, with our child in mind.
And at this stage, if you don’t want your child around more, if you don’t WANT to give a bunch of hugs, and if you can’t see the need (for most children) to have the Affection… then I’m not sure what you’ve been doing with these Love Languages? I’m genuinely curious, I’ve had friends like this…Let me know below!!!
THE CONSISTENT KEY IS CONSISTENCY.
Without constant attention things just naturally get worse.
Either improving, or degrading. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing stays the same.
So, by being an anchor we can stand out and become the pillar our families find comfort around.
In tough times there is someone to rely on, the consistent one.
Steadfast, viscous, unwavering, resolution, adhesive, harmony, compatibility. Correspondence and uniformity. These are the words that a little search around the dictionary for consistency came up with, and I love the description it landed on.
Let’s consider Consistency in Parenting:
“The steadfast resolution to create a viscous, harmonious adhesion through interpersonal compatibility; and an unwavering commitment to maintaining high personal standards in our family.”
Now let’s unpack that…
Steadfast resolution: Our steadfast resolution is making decisions and being firm on them once we decide. If we decide something is or isn’t happening, we lock it in. If we’re dieting, cheat days are planned. If we are being patient, we stop rushing everywhere.
Steadfast resolution is about being immovable and focused. Your standards inform your actions.
Viscous, harmonious adhesion: We want to create a thick, glue like atmosphere in our home. Aiming to make everyone feel secure, loved, heard, respected, and teaching them to express THEIR voice (Their opinions, Their thoughts, Their dreams and desires, Their dislikes and distaste for some of your choices…). As a family we are aiming to be a consistent whole, one force, a combined front taking on the disasters of the world and life in general.
Interpersonal compatibility: By allowing (read making!) space for each person to feel loved, heard, respected and affirmed we can guarantee that our relationships remain compatible for the long term. As each of us lives and grows we will naturally make the accommodations and call out the attitudes and habits that effect us, keeping our intertwined lives compatible with each other.
Unwavering commitment: Tired, hungry, hot, cold, dry, late, rushed, sore, angry… It doesn’t matter. If you have made a commitment, especially to another person, you do the things. Whatever it is, once committed it is done, no hesitation. Basically unwavering commitment is complete uniformity of thought and action, being consistent and obligated in every way.
Consistency in Parenting:
“The steadfast resolution to create a viscous, harmonious adhesion through interpersonal compatibility; and an unwavering commitment to maintaining high personal standards in our family.”
Through this level of consistency our children and family know they are safe. This type of commitment and sheer will of effort can help children with trauma and abandonment issues. Over time the broken child will see and feel how solid you are. They will push those boundaries and test to ensure that the attitude is real, because on some level this type of parenting seems too good to be true. This is why consistency is so important. Showing up day after day, season after season, attitude after attitude, outburst after outburst and loving someone unconditionally no matter what they do to you (read TRY to do to you) will usually affect them in deep ways extremely quickly.
Consistency is the key to unlock the potential in all of your relationships.
Practice
But how do we remain consistent when everything is hard and burning down around us?
Fun. Laugh. Be easy on yourself (and remembering that it’s either hard now or harder later).
– Fun.
Turn parenting into a game.
Decide what issues you will deal with in the next 3 weeks, come up with a plan, and find a way to make it a game or competition. Don’t go overboard, this is a competition with your child… but,
if you are dealing with bad attitude, make it a game to have ZERO reaction. When you fail you will find that you still did a better job than your old habits would have.
If you’re dealing with a fussy eater (or non eater) make it a game to find healthy tasty alternatives, aiming to make their favourite meal an easy healthy option.
Maybe it’s picking up after themselves. Make a plan, set some jokes or phrases in your head to throw out when the tidying isn’t done and you’re annoyed. When the situation arises throw out the saying and make it fun, choose to send the negative feelings fleeing.
Gamifying your parenting will free up some of the mental space, leaving reserves for real problems or for growing yourself and your relationships!
– Laugh.
When I was learning to slow ride circles on a motorcycle (basically just riding as slowly as possible without dropping the bike) I was getting frustrated and making continual mistakes. An instructor who had offered to help me suggested I laugh at myself instead. It took a little while, but once I was able to genuinely laugh at the situation everything started to work. Almost instantly.
Laughing took the pressure and “seriousness” of the situation away.
Your child watched tv at the wrong time… so what? Laugh at how silly it is that they will now be limited for breaking the rules.
Someone ate the cake you had saved in the fridge … laugh. They got to have an amazing cake, you saved yourself from eating it, and it’s only a silly piece of cake.
Whatever it is, if it isn’t actually serious…actually. no matter how serious, laugh it off first. Lighten up and the anger will melt, allowing you to have these conversations from a more neutral place yourself. It may even make it possible for you to truly hear what your child (or the other person) is saying, clearing up the issues faster.
– Be easy on yourself
Always.
Be easy on yourself always (unless you are genuinely lazy)
Things take time. People don’t change overnight. Circumstances ebb and flow, just like people. We can’t control anything, so why over stress? Yes, action needs to be taken, yes we are aiming to become resolute and immovable… but to work hard you need to rest hard.
Think of being easy on yourself like a mental vacation. All day there are bits of stress sinking and sneaking in, so why not make it easy on yourself? There’s no point beating yourself up if the world and your circumstances are as well. Relax a little, have some fun, fill the tank so you can keep giving. Laugh, sing, entertain your inner child, whatever it is just chill out.
Respect (/openness)
With the new found mental space and freedom, in that more relaxed (and learning) state we can start to go deeper and change how we interact with others.
Bringing in openness and respect will supercharge our relationships and the work we do on them.
– Be honest. Be truthful. Be OPEN.
What are the attributes of a perfect partner? List them. If you’re brave write them down. If you have guts throw them in the comments below!
I think most people will come up with a variation of honest, truthful and open, so why don’t we all do this in our conversations and relationships?
Being honest, no white lies, giving all of the information and letting people know where they stand. I believe this attitude is respected on a deep level and breeds trust and closeness like nothing else.
Being truthful is just an extension of being honest, taking it to a deeper level. Encylopedia.com defines truthful as “…characterised by accuracy or realism; true to life. “astonishingly truthful acting.”
Taking this definition, being truthful is having total truth with no little bits of lie in what we say.
Being open is taking all of the honest and truthful things and actually expressing them. With our children this needs to be age appropriate obviously, and we need to have some things we cannot and do not share with them for their own innocence. Beyond that we can explain anything in an acceptable way without exaggeration and twisting the facts. This will make our word mean something, again further deepening the relationship.
– Sell Yourself Out.
Who doesn’t make mistakes? Who doesn’t get things wrong? Who’s plans neeever fail?
No-one’s.
So when something fails, doesn’t go to plan and backfires in your face, OWN IT. Even to your children.
We want them to sell themselves out when they do wrong don’t we?
We want them to come to us with their messes and mistakes as they grow riiight?
So, let’s model it. Let’s make that how our entire family operates.
Selling yourself out regularly is also just personally freeing. Once mistakes are owned completely we can clean them up with far less stress and headache.
– Use Your Children (APPROPRIATELY) for accountability
Learning to be consistent, changing things in the home and teaching children life skills (let alone aaaall of the other things that go into parenting) is tough enough. Adding in honesty and openness as a form of respect is tricky, so use your children. Tell them what you are working on, how you will operate and ask them to call you out (again, be age appropriate. With teens this is an amazing tool for the both of you)!
That’s it.
Do these things, grow in them, try on whatever fits and I will be shocked if even the most stubborn, defiant and broken child (read person) DOESN’T hear what you say, loud and clear.
Good luck,
You got this!